This is Becoming Ridiculous

Yesterday while joking with a friend about how I can't control my crying, I burst into tears.

At first I was fine.

"All I do is cry," I laughed. "Like on my way to the coffee shop? I cried. Because I saw two girls laughing in a car and for some reason, I couldn't contain myself.

""Wow. Really? That must be weird.""Yeah. It is. And you know what else...? " I trailed off. I could feel the tears bubble and boil. I bit my lip, widened my eyes and... "It's just. SO. HARD! You know? Or maybe you don't know because you're a guy. You have no idea! "

And then I was sobbing. And laughing. And then that freaky cry-laugh that becomes almost demonic, hysterical, unstoppable..."Uh... do you want a napkin or something?"

Once again, my trying to make someone laugh had resulted in making myself cry.

Smooth.

I didn't even know it was possible but one CAN run out of tears.

Tyler and I during happier times

This Girl's Gone Three months Pregnant

Wow.

It's your fault

Halloween 08 - on post in Illesheim

Halloween 09Trick or treat on post in KatterbachShit, I love having a kid.
I'm going to have, like, ten more. And Tyler will be, like, "Mommy, no! You have babies all over you!"

...And I'll be like, "your fault, dude. Your fault! You were WAY too cute when you were all dressed up on Halloween, smiling at your dad and me from the stoop of our new house."

Happiness is a small boy in a Rock band

more evidence that my two year old is ten kerpillion times more bad-ass than I’ll ever be:

By the time he’s five I expect him to be able to play a full set of ACDC, and to be able to record it, mix the video, and launch it on YouTube, all by himself. At which point I will become entirely superfluous. Which is probably not as bad as it sounds, but still. Maternal obsolescence, ahoy! ......(Or happiness is a grandma as drummer :o))

saturday morning smilies or a melting mothers heart

I don't always believe in heaven. But I do believe in its fantasy: the happy ending. And I desperately believe in life's heavenly moments, where the universe feels small and intimate and good. When nothing matters beyond what is happening now. And more than any other moment on record, this was mine: I know the world is in shambles, the economy is in the toilet and fear has paralyzed us in such a way many of us feel we can't go on. But not so. Not when every day in a million households around the world, there are moments like these: "Love you mommy"

When we stop to pay attention, life is so fucking beautiful it hurts.

Halloween is good!

I watch my boy through lovesick eyes. And am stricken daily by how fast everything becomes something else. How fast he becomes someone else. How before you can even recover from one milestone, another takes its place.

I'm most definitely taking advantage of the fact that I CAN STILL DRESS HIM UP IN WHATEVER I LIKE! Wuah ha ha ha haaaaa!!!
What are you dressing your kids up as? Please post links of your photos. I'm totally and completely obsessed with Halloween. Obsessed.
Happy Haunting!

Happiness is a small boy

...leaves and a cat.

There is no way to HAPPINESS.

HAPPINESS is the way - Buddha

A day like today

The whole house rebuild, wanting-to-move in thing is consuming me. It’s consuming all of us as, as evidenced by the amount of times I’ve blogged about it these last few weeks and I apologize.
Yesterday, in the costume shop, shopping for the accessories to complete the Tyler's Halloween costumes, I had a moment.

A discombobulated, where the f... am I? Who am I? moment. I used to have them frequently when Tyler was a baby. When I was dealing with the authorities, trying to bust the perpetrator with my identity theft.

“Ma’am, I’m afraid the thief is you.”

“Nooooooooooooooooo!"

But I've been past that point for a while. I don't fantasize about running away like I did back then, rebelling against responsibility - masking truth with make believe. Kicking and screaming because No! I don’t want to grow up. Motherhood, don’t make me or else! Or else I won’t invite you to my birthday party!

I used to think it mandatory to reinvent myself often. With dramatic haircuts and color: from platinum to blue black to platinum again. I'd wander into a tattoo parlor or get something pierced. Just to look different - to send a message to the universe and myself that I was willing to change.

Because sometimes the only way to feel different is to look the part. Put on a hat and do a new dance.

I have since found new and less external ways to reinvent myself but that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes, I find myself struck hard by the other side of the mirrored glass – the fork in the road like a giant whY in the middle of the room. And yesterday, in the costume shop, surrounded by disguises…

You only live once,” people always say but its bullshit. You live a hundred thousand times – in a hundred thousand places with a hundred thousand people passing through, getting caught in the various webs we build out of cotton in our front yards.

An infinity of flashing lights for an infinity of choices. Left or right? Up or down? Here? How about there, instead?“Did you find everything you were looking for today?” the man at the register said as we approached.“Yes, er... kind of."Not really.

But here’s the thing I’ve realized in my short time here on earth: focusing on the things you can control are great distractions from the things you can’t.

I’m sharing this with you because over and over I’ve been asked where I’ve been and why I’m not writing as much as I used to, and I feel like I owe you an explanation.The last several months have included a string of panic attacks. Posts written that I have decided not to post at the last minute out of fear:

1. Because I’ve opened myself up to strangers and as of late have had to deal with the repercussions.

2. Because some days? I want to just live my life without feeling obligated to write about every. fucking. thing. FUCK.
3. Because too often I have asked myself, “is this worth it?” and then answered, “no.”

Of course it isn't all awesome all the time. (Nothing is.)

Yesterday I've painted the bedroom and tomorrow i'll be painting Tyler's room I have been waiting for these day forever 'cause it also means soon we will be moving in. But we have so much going on that I couldn't enjoy doing it so much.

But...
1. I'm lucky.

2. We're lucky.

3. All of the above.

But the truth is, changing homes and jobs isn't going to answer all of life's questions. I've realized dreams before only to wake up the next morning and feel just as defeated. It never goes away - the drive - the need to move forward- to change - to want to make your family, friends (even strangers) proud.

At least, it never has for me. But I have to remind myself that fulfillment comes in all forms. Perhaps, then, it will be my finest life achievement to learn to be happy with what I have.

To be ambitious, sure, but also to be content, here.

this moment - buzzed on caffeine and realizations. I'm happy where I am. I recognize that today. I recognized that the moment I sat down to work on some stuff for work and wrote a blog entry instead.

For myself on days like today when with all my heart I want to share my life with you.

that mom

I am now officially a member of the "My Kid's Scribble-drawing Is Actually a Sort of Prodigious Masterpiece I Must Stick on the Fridge and Worship" club.

Ink and Crayon, 2009, Tyler Dominique , Germarican

Would you look at that use of color? A purple sun? So deep. A vertical sky? So profound.